So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
