I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Randomize
