Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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