I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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