May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize