I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
