I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
