The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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