So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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