You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Randomize
