somebody snuck up and got me drunk
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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