You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Be still, my beating vagina.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
