Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
