So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
farters have to be the big spoon...
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
