Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
