Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
