Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
