I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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