you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
