I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
