My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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