and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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