he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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