i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Damn victory sex feels great
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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