I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
