I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
