Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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