I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
