I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
