My Higher Power is John Stamos
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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