for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
