This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
