She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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