marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
