I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
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