Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
