please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize