hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
