just tell him i said nine months
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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