Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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