just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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