dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
