If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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