I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
