A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Acid is not a monday night drug
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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