not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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