We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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