Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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