My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
