as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
