They should really pass out barf bags in church
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize