In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
