It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
