I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
