I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
