I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
