The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
