why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
