I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize