Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
