billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
