Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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