she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Welp...herpes.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I think a kid would responsible me up
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
