He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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