she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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